We are all born and not a single one of us has a choice in the matter. The people that have the choice are women and, to a somewhat lesser extent, men whose bodies have reached an age where reproductive organs have turned them into “adults”. Given that, you may think I am going to talk about teen pregnancy. I’m not; at least not right now. What I want to talk about is choice. No, I’m not talking about abortion either. I want to discuss choice in the pursuit of childbearing.
My divorced parents did not have an easy time as I was growing up. Add to that the talk I often heard of the generation gap, and you get a ten year old girl that decided if she didn’t have a child by the age of twelve at the latest, children should not be had. Mind you, I knew how children came to be and I was doing NOTHING that would cause such a happenstance until I was nearly seventeen.
Many would dismiss this as the unformed opinion of a child which, I agree, is likely to change. In my case it did not. As I grew and thought more about children and whether I wanted them, my opinion became more solidified and for ever better reasons. My reasons varied from physical to emotional and even societal. Why put my body and mind though that trauma of pregnancy and childbirth if there are parentless children all over the world?
When child free couples, and sometimes even people with "too few" children, (as a friend of mine with "only" one child) want to be sterilized they must jump through hoops. They have to see doctors and state medical reasons. They have to see therapists and state medical and emotional reasons and a back up plan, then back to the doctors with a note from said therapist stating that they are sane enough to make this decision having thought it through properly. I heard one doctor ask, “What if, in five years, you are no longer with your husband and your new husband wants to have biological children?” This was countered with, “If I get pregnant and have a child, can I return it at the age of five?” Many times couples must look for a doctor that will agree due to population control beliefs.
Over the years, I had to defend my child free choice, even to family. It would irk me that each family gathering was peppered with the question of when we were going to have children. “Don’t you like children?” and "You're selfish." seemed always to find the way into conversation. WHY couldn’t people accept the idea of a couple wanting to remain child free?
In meeting other child free couples and hearing that they endure the same criticisms and complaints from family and friends, I felt even more annoyed that people are unable to respect and honor well thought out decisions of the people they love. Condescension (“You’ll change your mind.”), assumptions (“Don’t you like children?” “Do you have a genetic problem you don’t want to pass on?”), bargaining (“Who will take care of you when you are old?”), and preaching (“That’s what we are made for.”) hid in many personal interactions. Never mind that most of these were downright absurd reason for having children, but accidental pregnancy got more respect than my well thought out decision.
I started to notice that it wasn’t just the child free that suffered. It happens as soon as you reach dating age. “Do you have a boyfriend?” is followed by “When are you going to get married?” There seems to be some magical, undefined line when these questions change from one to the other. How many of us have NOT heard on our wedding day, “When are you going to start having children?” Then, there is the one question that caught me most off guard. My cousin was a new mother all of two weeks. She had had trouble conceiving and a difficult pregnancy. Yet, as if we are just like queen bees, someone asked, “When are you having your next one?”
So tell me please, if you can, why does society feel the need to push for this pattern despite over population, starvation, homelessness, economic downturns, and lack of healthcare? Why does an unwed, accidentally pregnant woman get more support than a consciously child free woman or couple? Have you experienced any part of this push for “normalcy”?
When I first read this post I asked if you really wanted an answer to the questions. I thought at the time you were being rhetorical. I think trying to find the "why" of your questions will lead to a very long chain of whys as you try to figure out why people do what they do. But basically I would say that we live in a society that in a great many ways creates its identity by its patterns and traditions. Another "why" you could look for is why do things that seem so insane and counterproductive to the whole continue to be supported by society. Personally I don'k think there is a consistent pattern to how things change other than the "100th Monkey" effect. You never know at what magic number of people it will take for a new idea to go viral and become supported by more than just a fringe minority of a group. But I think time and the feelings of the majority play a huge part in the equation. It takes a certain amount of people to over come the mass of their numbers and the energy of their desire to see things stay as they are for things to change.
ReplyDeleteBut I see it happening now in the increase in momentum of acceptance/tolerance of "alternative" sexualities, gender and lovestyle preferences.
Good point about asking why. But still, I would like to know the views of people that have experienced the pressure. And as you said, it is not only on this topic. People seem to feel they can comment on many parts of other people's lives that are really none of their business. I would love a comment from someone who wishes to comment on the other side; someone who doesn't understand why their friend or loved one refuses to have children.
ReplyDeleteI am 29 never married and have no children. When my younger sister got married a few years ago I had to hear what a shame it was that my little sister got married before me. After she divorced it changed to do I have a boyfriend and telling me how sad it is that I am such a pretty girl and still single. My standard response became (much to the horror of my parents) Why is it sad becuase I am pretty? Why not because I am smart, or funny, or because I have a good personality? If I were an ugly girl would it not be sad? I have a good job, my own house and car and am totally self sufficient, what is wrong with that? . No one in my family tells me how sad it is that I am single anymore. :D
ReplyDeleteWhat a great way to deal with it, Catherine! I suppose a pre-thought response is the greatest way to make the point that your decision has been weighed and your life is your own.
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